Expedited Shipping
by Hawki
Summary: Oneshot: Shipping. Because even when you're a million light years from home and fighting for the fate of the universe, that's still a thing.


**Expedited Shipping**

"So, guys, I've been thinking…"

"Really Lance? That's a first."

I ignore Pidge's jibe and keep talking. "Ever since we visited that space mall, I've been thinking about the meaning of a certain word."

"Which word?" Hunk asks.

"I'm glad you ask," I say, smiling at the yellow paladin, currently seated on the floor beside his green counterpart. "That word…is shipping."

"Shipping?" asks Hunk.

"Shipping," says Pidge – it's not a question, it's a deadpan, single sentence, single tone expression, with a deadpan look behind her glasses adding weight to it.

"Shipping," I say. I conjure up a hologram using an altean laser stick, the letters **SHIPPING **appearing in the air between us. "Shipping, verb, as in, the transport of goods from one place to another." I look at Pidge. "Say, you sending that game system back to Earth anytime soon? Because I had to act like a dolphin to get enough gili for it, like something out of _Fire Emblem_."

"Okay," says Pidge. "First of all, it's gil, not gili. Second of all, it's not _Fire Emblem_, it's _Final Fantasy_. Third of all, screw you."

"Calm down Pidge, I know FF twenty-five was a letdown."

She gives me a scowl.

"Anyway," I say. "Shipping. A term used to describe the movement of goods from one location to another. But we're not going to worry about that today."

"We're not?" Hunk asks.

"No. Because we're going to focus on the other term." I underline the word. "Shipping. As in, _shipping_."

The other paladins stare at me.

"Shipping," I repeat.

They look at each other.

"Shipping!" I exclaim. "As in, relation-shipping."

"Relatio…whatsits?" Hunk asks.

Pidge sighs. "Lance, I've got a feeling where this is going, and if I believed in any kind of higher power I'd actually pray it wasn't, but-"

"Shipping," I repeat. "As in, what we're going to do about all this sexual tension between me and Princess Allura."

"And there goes any chance of me believing in something higher," Pidge says. She looks up at the ceiling. "Unless you, I dunno, want to smite the Galra Empire, and get me my family back?"

We all stare at her.

"Anytime now."

We all stare at her.

"Yep. No God. Instead I'm stuck with this guy." She leans back and gestures to me. "Fine. Go on."

"Yeah, go on," Hunk says, treating this issue with the respect and reverence it deserves. "I mean, I haven't noticed any sexual tension."

"Hunk, my man," I say. I walk over and pat him on the shoulder. "You've got to understand, these things aren't always out in the open. You'll understand when you're older."

"But I'm older than you…"

"Anyway!" I yell, heading back to the shimmering **SHIPPING **hanging in the air. "If we're going to work as a team, that means Allura's going to have to admit that she really does like me, and that we're meant for each other, and that in all the trillions of stars in the universe, we're a pair of binaries meant for each other."

"More like a black hole and a supergiant," Pidge murmurs.

"Come on Pidge, Allura isn't a black hole," I say. "She's bright, and brilliant, and beautiful, and-"

"Well if she's all that, why don't you tell her yourself and stop wasting my time?" Pidge asks.

I sigh. "Oh Pidge, you don't get it? Girls never tell you your feelings. Even if they like you, they hide it, even pretending not to like you."

"Lance, I'm a girl. And I've never hid the fact that I think you're an idiot."

"See Pidge? You're hiding your true feelings right now," I say. "But I'm afraid we're just not meant to be."

"That, I can agree on," Pidge says.

"Glad to hear it," I say. "But that aside, we, as in, all three of us, have to do something about this. Because until Allura opens up to her feelings about me, this team will never be at one-hundred percent capacity."

"Oh, this is a team thing?" Hunk asks.

"Exactly," I say. "Which is why we need to speed this up. Why we need to turn this (I gesture at the floating words) into this!" I begin writing something. "Huh? See?"

The other two paladins stare, as they're unable to read it.

"Det…idepx?" Pidge asks.

"Detidepex?" Hunk asks.

"Huh?" I stare at the words. "No, this!" I spin them around.

"Oh," Pidge says. "Expedited."

"Expedited," I say. "E-X-P-E-D-I-T-E-D."

"Expedited," Hunk says. "You mean like Amazon?"

"The Amazon?" Pidge asks. "Wasn't that a rainforest that used to exist?"

"No, the shipping company which got absorbed by E-bay."

"Ah."

"Ahem.' Both paladins turn to me. "Nice that you guys know your history, but we need to deal with this." I jab the laser stick at the floating words. "Expedited shipping. As in, how do we pair up Allura and me in as short a time as possible?"

The two sit there in silence.

"Well?"

"Um, Lance?" Hunk says. "I can't say I know about romance, but isn't it true that you shouldn't rush things? Like, it should take its time?"

"Yeah, and isn't romance meant to be based on, I dunno, _mutual _attraction?" Pidge murmurs.

I ignore the green paladin and turn to the yellow one. "Hunk, my man, I get ya. But taking time is something that only works if you're in a TV show with eight seasons or something. This is the real world, and in the real world, things move fast. Things move…_expedited_." I blink. "Expeditedly? That a word?"

Hunk stares at me and Pidge buries her face in her hands. I'm starting to think that this could be going better.

"Come on guys," I say. "We're friends, right? Help me out."

"Yeah, I dunno about friends," Pidge says. "More like, people who are forced to work together because of fate and circumstance."

"Or chance," Hunk pipes in.

"Or happenstance," Pidge says.

"Or-"

"Guys!" I say. I tap the stick at the words. "Focus! How are we going to get Allura to realize that there's a thing between us?"

"Between you?" Pidge asks.

"Yes, between us. Shipping demands-"

"What about you and Keith?"

I stare at her. "What?" I whisper.

"Oh, yeah," Hunk says, lightening up. "I mean, you're always going on about Keith, how he's so cool…"

"So brave…" Pidge adds.

"And he looks so good in red…"

"…and the Red Lion is the best lion…"

"Guys!" I yell. "I…okay, first of all, I haven't said any of that."

"Really? Because you never shut up about-"

"Guys, Keith is an arsehole," I yell. "Besides, Keith is…y'know…"

"Suave?" Pidge asks.

"Amazing?" Hunk asks.

"A guy!" I yell. "Keith's a guy!"

Pidge laughs, gets to her feet, walks over, and pats me on the shoulder. "Oh Lance," she says. "You can't be held back by such antiquated notions of sexuality."

_The hell?_

"Yeah," says Hunk. "I mean, Shiro's got Adam back home, right? Maybe he can give you some pointers."

"Guys, there's nothing between me and Keith."

Pidge smirks. "Oh Lance, it's okay. Boys never open up about their feelings." She starts to walk away.

"Pidge, get back here."

"Y'know, I could participate in the shipping wars all day. But I've got better things to do."

"Pidge, I…" I turn to the other paladin. "Hunk. Come on man, help me."

"Um, yeah," he says. There's a look on his face that suggests he's trying to look awkward, but in reality, he's on the burst of breaking down in laughter. "I've got, um…stuff to do. Besides, you talk about Keith so much, I need some quiet time."

"**I do not talk about Keith!"**

The other two paladins walk off. A few seconds pass before they break out laughing.

"Fine!" I yell. "See if I care!"

They keep walking off. They keep laughing. I yell, and look at the words above. The words I've written. The words that hang there, mocking me, like Allura and Keith always do. Like everyone does.

"Fine," I say. "I'll build my own ship. And it's going to have flowers, and hookers, and…" I trail off – I'm not the only one here. Because there, in an adjacent corridor, is another paladin. The black paladin. Staring at me.

"Shiro!" I exclaim. "Hey, help me out. I've got a-"

"I was never here," he says, and he turns around, walking with a purpose.

"Oh, yeah, just walk away, don't care about me," I say. "No-one cares about me. No-one-"

"Shut up Lance."

I sigh. Bad enough that no-one cares about me. But I've also got to return this laser stick to Allura's room before she-

"**Lance!"**

…finds me.

Well, I reflect, as I see the princess ready to kill me for theft…who said that shipping didn't have some waves to it?


End file.
